How to talk to someone who is irrational. Timing is everything.

I don’t recommend trying to reason with anyone who is angry or irrational.

Here’s why. When a person is angry, stress hormones are automatically released into the bloodstream. These hormones tell the body to do one of three things:

  1. Fight
  2. Flee
  3. Freeze

Notice that “Talk “isn’t on the list. That’s because anytime we feel personally attacked or threatened, our reptilian brain—the ancient, purely reflexive, non-rational part of the brain—reacts, and our entire body shifts into survival mode. We don’t think straight from this place, because in survival mode, the rational part of our brain shuts down so the reptilian brain can get us to safety.

It is always better to postpone difficult discussions until both parties are in a more balanced, and more resourceful place. Nobody thinks straight in a hailstorm. Better to wait until the storm has passed.

A note from Betsy Sansby

For years I’ve wanted to share this tool with a wider audience. In its original form, it was a paper and pencil homework tool  I called “The OuchKit.” I designed it for couples in my therapy practice who kept asking me to come home with them so they could have the kind of conversations on their own that they were having when I was there.

And now, with the advent and convenience of the iPhone and iPad, anyone interested in deepening their relationships can use Express Yourself ECards to understand themselves better, and express their feelings more effectively to get a more positive response.  And the best part, is that you don’t need a therapist in the room to help you do it.  For 99 cents, you can do it all by yourself. And it can change your life.

Please let me know how you like using it, and feel free to send me your Express Yourself ECards stories, good or bad.

Express Yourself Ecards app



Why she keeps bringing up the past after you’ve apologized 100 times

 Because your apologies suck.

“You’re kidding, right?”

Nope. And you’re in good company. In over 30 years as a marriage counselor, I’ve only heard a handful of effective apologies. If apologizing 100 times hasn’t worked, you’re definitely missing something. Continue reading “Why she keeps bringing up the past after you’ve apologized 100 times”