Nobody can tell you if you’re with the right person because nobody ever knows. We’re all changed by the experiences we have, and we can’t predict how those experiences will shape our wants and needs over time–or the changing wants and needs of our partner.
So instead of asking yourself: “Am I with the right person?,” ask yourself: “Am I with the wrong person?” Answering this question will save you a lot of time and eliminate 90% of the heartache you’ll face if you stay too long with the wrong person.
But how do you know if you’re with the wrong person? Look at the evidence.
Do any of the following apply to the man you’re with?
- He drinks too much
- He thinks he’s better than everybody else
- He’s rough during sex
- He says things that make me feel terrible
- He’s rude and impatient
- He has no friends
- He mocks me
- He tries to control who I see and what I do
- He criticizes everyone who disagrees with him
- He’s selfish
- He’s cheap
- He lies
- He flirts
- He doesn’t like my kids
- He can’t keep a job
- He always has an excuse
- He’s addicted to porn, work, money, drugs
- He does as little as possible
- He cares more about looking good than actually being good
Do any of the following apply to you?
- I feel trapped
- I put up with abuse
- I’m afraid to leave
- I’m having an affair
- I thought I could change him
- I cringe when he touches me
- I’m afraid of him
- I feel like a failure
- I don’t think I deserve any better
So often, women tell me, “You know what’s sad? I knew he was like this–even when we were dating. I just didn’t want to see it.” Or: “I just thought he’d grow out of it.” Or: “I just thought that with enough love, I could change him.”
But I love him…
Sorry to break it to you, but love is not the bottom line. It’s just a good starting place. Here’s my advice to young women:
- You don’t need to be polite
- It’s okay to make a scene
- Instead of giving in–order to avoid conflict, abuse, punishment–speak up or GET OUT!
- Don’t be dismissed, demeaned, or diminished
- Don’t let anyone else talk you out of your reality
- Trust that if something smells fishy to you, there is a fish somewhere
- Set the bar high, right from the start, and keep it there.
- Don’t ignore bad behavior, or you will see more of it
If you settle for less, you will get it.Counseling with Betsy Sansby
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