How to talk to someone who is irrational. Timing is everything.

I don’t recommend trying to reason with anyone who is angry or irrational.

Here’s why. When a person is angry, stress hormones are automatically released into the bloodstream. These hormones tell the body to do one of three things:

  1. Fight
  2. Flee
  3. Freeze

Notice that “Talk “isn’t on the list. That’s because anytime we feel personally attacked or threatened, our reptilian brain—the ancient, purely reflexive, non-rational part of the brain—reacts, and our entire body shifts into survival mode. We don’t think straight from this place, because in survival mode, the rational part of our brain shuts down so the reptilian brain can get us to safety.

It is always better to postpone difficult discussions until both parties are in a more balanced, and more resourceful place. Nobody thinks straight in a hailstorm. Better to wait until the storm has passed.

Deciphering a Dying Man’s Wishes

So sorry your boyfriend is dying and that you’re having to struggle with this issue at such a vulnerable time for both of you.

I think it’s important to know why your boyfriend is asking you to leave. It could mean any number of things, and it would be good to know what his reasons are before you decide a course of action.

For example:

  • It could be that seeing you suffer is too painful for him. If that’s the case, your presence may be adding to his own suffering, since he can’t relieve you of it. He might be able to spend time with you if your were sharing your grief and pain elsewhere—like with a friend or counselor. That way, when you were with your boyfriend, he might experience you as a support, instead of an amplifier of his own suffering.
  • It could be that he feels embarrassed having you see him in a weakened state. if he is getting weaker or losing the full functioning of all his faculties. It’s hard to see yourself being whittle away by disease or pain, much less having someone you love witness this diminishment.
  • It could be that he feels guilty for leaving you, so he’s concerned about you ‘wasting your time’ on him when you could be looking for someone who isn’t dying.
  • It could be that the way you’re trying to support him isn’t the way he wants to feel supported. I think it’s worth asking him if there is some way you could be with him that would actually be a comfort. You can assume he’s going through his own internal ‘night of the soul,’ so without asking, it’s impossible to know what’s behind his request, and if anything you could offer might be helpful.
  • It could be that he has other reasons for wanting you to leave. And he may not be able to articulate or be unwilling to talk about them.

Whatever his reasons, it sounds like you could used some grief counseling to prepare yourself for the inevitable, and to work though whatever issues are coming up for you through all this. Remember that you both matter. You both have needs right now that you may not be able to satisfy.

I recommend that you get more information from your boyfriend so you are clear why he’s insisting you move on right now, instead of letting you be with him through all this. In the event that he won’t or can’t explain, I would honor his wishes.

Dying is taking away your boyfriend’s liberty, his freedom, his vitality, his future, his choices, his sense of control. By honoring his wishes you are showing him you respect his right to choose how, and in whose presence he spends his final months, weeks, days, and moments.